Random thought that I spent too much time on
When I was younger I used to believe I had the words to be a great writer, I even tried to write stories. I used to do it without a plan. Whatever came to my mind I put on the paper, and yes, I used to handwrite it, if I’m being honest, and I am, I did it during school time in the middle of the classes, between classes, during break time… It didn’t really matter, because the stories I created were, for my teenage mind, better than living that moment.
I was a bookworm too, and I try every day, to be one again. I used to read two books a week, sometimes even more. I remember reading the four first Harry Potter’s book in less than a week. My goal was to finish the hole series between Christmas, and new year but when I was near the half of Harry Potter and the Phoenix Order I found out that I don’t like that one that much, and I was never able to finish it, or the other two that were missing. Before I had read the Deathly Hallows but I’ve never read the Half Blood Prince’s one.
Anyway, as I was saying before, I was a bookworm, and first I read only in Portuguese but soon enough I was reading I English too, so waiting to the translation was no longer necessary. And as a bookworm I read a lot of books at home, at my grandma’s home, weeks coming, and going, weekends coming, and going. At school I couldn’t real during classes, so I began the writing thing there.
My point is, I spent so much time living the books character’s lives , or creating characters to live the life I wanted to have, that forgot to live the life I actually have, and talk to people who actually existed, and become aware of their life histories.
Stories where more present in my life than stories but by the time I realized it that was fine by me, because I had no close friends, and I didn’t know that much famous people. I have 24 years old now in 2021, and I found out Beyoncé’s face when I was 13 or 14. You do the math but I can say she was already pretty famous then,.and I was really shy, the kind of shy who runs from people when they seem to be going to talk to them.
I wanted to change it. I didn’t want to stop reading, or writing, or creating anything but I remember thinking once that if life was a TV series I wouldn’t be the main character, and it sucked because, as you know, being the star of your own life is kind of the deal.
So, one day I woke up like “I have to change it today!”, and, out of nowhere, I had a huge moment of courage, and talked to a girl who studied with me. She was so cold, and so “whatever” that it took almost a year for me to try to make new friends again.
I kind of didn’t have a big friendship with the people I tried to be friends. We had that hype, and a few months later it was gone, so our “friendship” was. But between being completely paralyzed by the idea of having friends, and having some fail friendships I found real friends I have until today.
Well, everything was fine then, right? I hate to say it, because it was me, and today I see my past me, and be like “girl, please, don’t spot doing the things you want!” But I did. I no longer would read a lot of books, or create my own stories, and not because suddenly life was better than anything but because I was focusing on the wrong things. I was focusing in the life the others had, and the others didn’t read that much. I was focusing in doing things people would say “that’s so cool”, and not things that I would say the same. Even if I liked it, it is wrong if I did it for the others, thankfully I know it by now.
Anyway, the years passed, and I just wanted to be a bookworm again, and to write my own stories. It is hard sometimes to read for a long time or to create something but it is way better than it was a couple of years ago.
I wrote it today because a friend asked me when I was going to post something here again, and if it was years ago I would have a list as big as Santa’s list of ideas but now a days it took me a whole week to find out what I was going to write. Kind of metalinguistic if you think about it.
